LISABLESSED.. MY STORY- THE HOPELESS LOST GIRL (II)

PART TWO…

LISABLESSED – MY STORY- THE HOPELESS LOST GIRL

…I let a lot slide because I liked him but couldn’t help but find things dodgy. Like one time I was supposed to see him he didn’t like the place I said to meet got angry and said he will call me back, for a few days I couldn’t get through to him and when I eventually did he said he went to Denmark as if that was going down the road to him. I kept quiet on that he was soo persistent in getting me at times I had to ignore it got too much and when he didn’t get his way would ignore me for days get rude and say hurtful things. It was ongoing for some time, there were good times were we would go out to eat, cinemas and all but then the bad times were his insecurities and me not being open enough caused a divide. Eventually I sat him down and spoke to him to find out why he was the way he was and more about him because he was very shady had different houses cars and was too secretive.

Then one time he calls me and says he doesn’t think it will go as far as he thought it would with me, but he has to come clean and then tells me he has a fiancé, he was being forced to marry by his mother in law and had no choice but to marry her imagine!!! That’s when a lot of things began to make sense seeing me at certain times when he wasn’t with the fiancé, calling me and then cancelling plans – planning things with the fiancé and spending time with his child the list is endless. Even though I clocked on to a lot it still was painful to think this person was lying and living a double live, stringing me along. Kept getting caught out and then came clean, I just felt sorry for the fiancé because of how he spoke about her and all he was doing, only God knows how many other women he has deceived other than me and her. The biggest lessons I learnt about some guys out there when in the world I will never forget.

Moving on now… Continuing on from before’s talk about the university chapter…

Went to university first year was in doors a lot, very home sick, surrounded by the wrong people, was seen as the quiet one always in didn’t like to have their type of fun and kept myself to myself a lot. Year one was up and down mentally emotionally but then came year two….

In year two things slightly got better came out of my shell made some more friends, one guy in particular was rumoured to be going out with me as we were always together, nothing like that but people will always talk and assume. There were ups and downs, fall outs with two of the four housemates I was living with and growing tension in the house. At the time I was just moving heartless towards others if they weren’t ‘friends’ one of the girls just got on my nerves I took her phone dropped it in the toilet out of anger and put it back where I found it, with the food I put fairy liquid in it and dashed some of it and left the other half. I just had an unresolved anger issue I didn’t manage well and it was building up more and more.

Fast forwarding remember one evening being in my room and I got a phone call from home, my dad asked me to sit down I couldn’t understand why. Only for him to break the news that my granddad had passed away from my mums side, I lost the plot I screamed run outside and cried called a friend spoke to her and took a turn for the worse, I only saw him ONCE not long before he died, my only ever chance and he had to pass away before I got other chances to see him in Ghana, my heart couldn’t take it. Was trying to get over the death, grades were slipping, my being was messed up and things weren’t going well for some time.

Moving on one of my close friends reached out to me and said she wanted a link I didn’t really talk to guys at the time so on msn (old school) there was a guy friend I knew of so planned to match him up with her, it was all going well until the day came where his friend and not him came to my area at uni, considering my friend backed out too last minute still went ahead to check him out for my friend it all happened so fast, biggest mistake made in uni. He seemed over cocky, rude and not the one I would give to her. Sometime after, the guy received a call and on the other side were a group of guys he was talking to, asking where he was what he was doing etc. He said to them he was talking to a girl called lisa who goes to such uni, they were saying their location and that they wanted to come and see me now I am thinking errrr why do you all want to come see me that’s not normal there was arguing and the call ended.

Some moments later the guy got a call again that someone had been stabbed where the guys were a fight or misunderstanding from the call broke out and this is the result. So the guy has a go at me saying that the stabbing was my fault and that the guys were on their way to find me, went in the house and we were on the look out to see what was happening and if they would find me, low and behold some time later saw some guys outside looking around and indoors the guy I was talking to was saying how he saved me and all this is my fault because I didn’t want them to come down, like seriously someone gets hurt and it is my fault. It took a turn for the worse and all of a sudden I found myself watching my back, going to uni then straight home, very careful of where I was and who could be watching, it turned to house arrest it was soo scary and uncomfortable yet no one knew all this. Found out the guy went to my uni and was a very dangerous guy known in most areas in East London. I was in trouble and didn’t know where to turn or what to do.

He saw me out one time, I was going to quickly do shopping and then go to London, he approached me threatened me saying all sorts and that I should watch my back snatched my phone threatened me again and then after arguing I snatched my phone and I rushed off. Was trembling because it was one of a few occasions he would see me around and threaten me, would call me non- stop expect me to see him when he said so and I remember one time he just reminded me over again of what he did for me saving me from the guys and look how ungrateful I was acting, I was under his control yet couldn’t get to anyone to ask for help on what to do because of how dangerous he was. It was tough and for some time had to lay low, to be honest I was glad and happy to have made it out of uni alive at that time didn’t think I would because of the threats and what I was facing.

I said to myself enough is enough, and broke down in my room at uni and gave my life to Christ there and then, because on that very day I heard a voice ‘if you don’t stop living this way you will end up dead’ when I say I was shocked and surprised at that voice. From that moment on things were quite tough but I knew I was safe and well and free from trouble no longer under house arrest, no longer watching my back and no longer under the control of that guy telling me what to do. But I was okay to go out and come in in one peace, I was set free. Still had things to overcome but was on the road to healing from everything. Leading to year 3 and my graduation ceremony Lord it was all you, because I went to uni to study Law believing I would come out alive and a graduate but in the process that changed and I didn’t think I would come out alive, but you kept me going and for that I am forever thankful to say despite all that happened I graduated.

Law graduate and I didn’t really know what I wanted to do but knew it wasn’t Law so it was searching for my plan B route and going round in circles for four years it was tough, in and out of work doing what I didn’t like but still searching to take on things so I could find out what I loved. Thankfully in the fourth year after graduating God took me on a journey to show me what it is I should be doing career wise where towards the ending of the previous year He called me into ministry, and the path He took me down career wise matched and gelled so well with the ministry that all the going round in circles was worth it. It was very painful at the time not securing anything good but learnt a lot of vital lessons. Also during this time was also going through the heartache that led me to ministry. By this time I didn’t know my worth, felt alone, was bitter, angry, hopeless and weak.

Getting called into ministry and finding my path has had some ups and downs but I am so thankful I am here today after all I have passed through, stronger and in Christ with God walking with Him in ministry (two years next month), finding inner peace, happiness and security. Again I say I thank God I am not looking like what I have passed through.

God knows all I have passed through, the attacks, the tears, the threats, disappointments, pain, self-harming, looking down on myself and more yet He never gave up on me. My tests led to my testimonies, my big mess led to different messages. Where I was then isnt where God wanted me to be, but to move past it all to come into His full presence away from all that could have ended me.

HOW I SEE MYSELF NOW IN A NUTSHELL… A FINAL WORD…..

I do have insecurities, I am not flawless and when I think of this my skin comes to mind I don’t have clear skin and at times it does affect me, I also am going to embrace leaving my natural hair out not everyday weave and braids. But I am learning to embrace my flaws and allow God work on me, my self-confidence which is much better than before still needs work, how I see myself, knowing my worth and identity in Christ as a woman of God in ministry is the path I’m on. I have learnt to accept all this, brush of any comments made about my complexion (Which I hardly get now thank God), certainly no longer living of the compliments guys give. PRAISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOD FOR CHANGE AND NEVER GIVING UP ON ME EVEN WHEN OTHERS DID.

I am not perfect, do make mistakes, forgiven but I know I am God’s daughter a king, worthy, special, unique and beautiful.

Speak life into your being and let God work on you, we are all a work in progress never forget that.

I hope me sharing my story will help encourage someone out there to not give up, find hope and peace in Christ and renew their minds and thoughts process to get better and be better.

So let me leave you with this, will you see me as that lost girl who self-harmed and through anger did many things, cutting a girls hair damaging others belongings, smashing glass with my fists or will you see me now as the woman God has given another chance to and is now in ministry encouraging others? I ask this because many even though they are Christians still need to work on their mindset because they still see you as you once were but not who you are now… #foodForThought

God bless you all

LISABLESSED.. MY STORY - THE HOPELESS LOST GIRL

PART ONE…

HEY LOVELIES

First let us pray…

Father I thank you for everything you have done for us, you’ve kept us safe up until now, have forgiven us, your mercy is new every morning, you are mighty, omnipotent, our saviour our comforter and in all you do you always have good thoughts for us and not evil, Father all we can do is give you thanks always and live a life according to your will for us. You spoke to me and instructed me to share my story with everyone, although I was anxious and nervous to do so I believe and pray that even if it is to encourage one person I know I have done a good job in obeying. Halleluyah

There have been many occasions where ladies have spoken to me and been on my personal  twitter page as well as the ministry page and come to the realisation that I’m the founder behind the Empowered United Women Ministry. Many actually do not know that I am the woman who God has called for the Empowered United Women Ministry and that is good, because it is not about me, but those who God would have this ministry reach out to, we are called to serve not to be served and do nothing. So firstly for those who don’t know my name is LisaBlessed and this ministry is the vision God blessed me with to birth to help women young old, broken, suffering from painful experiences and need deliverance from the pain to realise their worth who they are in Christ and do what God has called them to do.

*Takes deep breath* The same way I shared my painful experience about what led me into ministry, also plan to share my story of ups and downs to what led me to that painful experience that led me into ministry. This time around it will be different because I am sharing things about myself I haven’t shared with anyone I am close to, any of the women in the ministry or family to a full extent. But God would have it that I share all here once and for all to encourage you all that I have a story, you have a story, we all have a story but that should not define us or hold us back. Because it says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.’ So all that I did in my past and all I passed through is part of the old me, what I look at now is the new Lisa, with the insecurities but the Lisa God polished, made whole and called into ministry despite my mistakes and decisions made lost in the world.

Lord help me, where do I start…

 

Lets start with the end of secondary school, going to a girls school can have an effect on you many don’t realise, petty arguments, friends betrayal, rumours, Im sure most of you can relate to how crazy being in an all-girls school was. Although there were good times and good friends made along the way, there was also the downfalls. Those downfalls did affect me to some extent and how I viewed friends and the transition period at that age from the secondary school to college. Finished secondary school with good grades but my social life and friendships was under strain.

Going into college was a new chapter, quite daunting but had its good memories as well as bad ones. By this stage I had my fair share of links (linking guys) my phone book was full with numbers and the guys I would link would either come to the college to see me or I would meet them locally with friends, back then when you had a lot of links you had made it lol you were seen as cool and it was just the in thing. Some of the guys I linked weren’t exactly the best of guys they were into dodgy dealings which I later found out about, they were in gangs and so when I was seen with them it was as though I had them in my corner to have my back, I then became easily influenced with this idea of keeping people around to say I have a lot of friends and I am cool. Although hanging with the wrong girls proved to be a bad decision, a few in particular were very easy when it came to guys and so they had a reputation for sleeping around and so because I was hanging around them I too got that reputation, a few heated arguments broke out and groups were split between me and those particular girls. College life was not what I fully expected, people talk and wrong decisions are made and so you get punished for being in the wrong groups because of what those people do.

Things were tough at times, but then with the good times where you know who you are and all is going okay comes the bad times where you are unsure of yourself and unnecessary drama happens. With me back then I was the type of person who was easily influenced, to lie, be in the wrong places, with the wrong crowd be it the girls or guys out of college and all the things people would say to me I would take it in and act on that, so it was as if I didn’t have a mind of my own and went along with what others said, a damaged bruised soul but just a lost girl who wanted to fit in and be cool. I remember one time in particular I planned to link a guy with a friend so we went to their place not far from college only to find that he wasn’t around as he said he would be so we were chilling with his friend who said he wanted to talk to me alone whilst my friend stays close by, I went in a quiet area talking and he became quite aggressive after a bit and forced himself on me I screamed and left with ripped tights and anger. Blocked it out and realised it must have been a set up and the guys knew what they were doing, I fell for it didn’t see it coming and it scared me to an extent where I moved quiet and heartless. It did mess with me but I never spoke out about it.

Knew another guy I had spoken to for some time and he seemed cool and okay, but sometime later realised he was a crook and was planning to settle and needed papers so with me being easily influenced I would have fallen in the trap and so after sometime it sizzled out and I found out more about his bad ways and that he had settled with a white woman outside of London for papers not long after me. When I say I was shocked and disappointed but well life goes on. I was battling so much within, was lost and in a hole but was unsure of my identity to the extent where what others said became my thoughts about myself and I had no idea at the time of this until I stepped out.

Was with a guy for sometime who was well known in the music industry a few people were against it and it was hard because of trust and his ways being in a gang and all sorts of trouble always happening, but still went along with it. He came to me one time and said he was informed by some guys about me of how I move around easily, was disappointed that people would say such things about me to get back at me for reasons I did not know. Then I heard about this guy I was with, moving around doing all sorts with different girls confronted him on it and that escalated badly, he was quite overprotective and jealous to an extent where on one occasion he saw some texts sent to me lashed out at me and took away my phone and for a few days I didn’t know of his whereabouts and he had my phone, to get it back and what I passed through was just too much. Still stayed around it got better but there were heated times which were hard to deal with.

Because I had taken all the things people said about me inside and acted on it I had no mind of my own and couldn’t reason to snap out of it. I remember one time talking to a friend and I was just low and couldn’t be asked with life at the time so much was getting to me I told her that the night before I planned my funeral that girls would wear pink and the guys will wear blue would have doves and I planned it to the T she wasn’t really supportive of that and laughed it off. I wasn’t balanced mentally and was sort of living a double life one to please others and the other to sort of please myself. I didn’t know God one to one to say I had a personal intimate relationship with him I was lost and messed up mentally living of people’s thoughts and compliments, so imagine how cut up I was if a guy said I was ugly…

Being an African woman (half Ghanaian/half Nigerian) it was very tough the comments people would make ‘why are you so fair in complexion, you’re too light to be African’, ‘you are too light to be Ghanaian’ ‘are you adopted?’ ‘Are you sure you are African?’  ‘You are too yellow’…. The comments at times were too much to bear and Lord knows it was upsetting and I just switched. I needed to find acceptance so the links happened more and more I needed to hear more good things about myself and so when guys would complement it would help because they weren’t saying those bad things but seeing past that. I was living of the approval of guys and certain friends who would say nice things to me, things I couldn’t see about myself because all I knew and kept record of was the negativity.

Sadly because of how much I was holding in and couldn’t cope with, I began to self-harm would cut/scrap my hands and arms with anything sharp knife/ scissors even though there should be no reason to do this, my outer being was suffering it wasn’t like I was fat or skinny but my colour was bringing some really harsh comments. So the self-harming was like okay if this is what they say why should I care? I need to ease the pain but at the same time punish myself for not knowing what else to do. You see I didn’t know the definition of being beautiful, I didn’t know it was the inner being that mattered and certainly wasn’t thinking that my looks will fade, and my heart and spirit for God is what made me unique special and beautiful.

But you see God being soo good even though I was so far away from Him He still kept me alive and well, despite all I passed through. And today I am now in ministry sharing my story and encouraging other women. It was a long process and still a work in progress but thank God I am not where I used to be emotionally mentally and spiritually weak.

THANK GOD I DO NOT LOOK LIKE WHAT I PASSED THROUGH. LADIES AND GENTS WE ALL HAVE A STORY AND ONE THAT CAN ENCOURAGE OTHERS AND HELP THEM TO AVOID THE MISTAKES WE MADE..

Went to university and by then I had lost faith to some extent in female friendships, had self-harmed for some time, was low and mentally damaged, was getting to the heartless stage and even though on the outside I was looking okay, scars hidden (now fully healed and gone), was still managing to smile and talk. All that I had been through had made me closed and not one to talk about how I feel, I bottled things in and ignored what was going on within. Up until now that’s one thing that has still kind of stuck to me not always opening up to talk unless I do it in my writing or just pray about it which I hardly did back then. Not knowing that all the times I cried, was betrayed and used by others, was insulted and mocked due to the colour of my skin by fellow black people who should know better, I was never alone like I thought I was. God was always with me, so now I trust in Him like never before. I looked down on myself, spoke down on myself I felt I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve good. If I was to look in the mirror I wouldn’t see me standing there but all the comments others had said about me floating all over the mirror.

But God had a plan and that plan was never to leave me nor forsake me but later use me for His glory in ministry to impact lives and bring change. God I thank you for saving me, loving me and forgiving me.

Sometime before all this met a guy and we became friends for a while then worked on things to see if it would work out, at first it was all okay but then I saw some things and questioned it he would only want to meet at certain times, in certain areas, would lie about his age on different occasions, lied about having children eventually said he had one, was very shady as in had five different licences and lied about his job eventually he said he was in construction.

PART TWO TO FOLLOW….