EUW SELF-LOVE CAMPAIGN – THE LOST WOMAN
So as you all know EUW launched our self-love campaign this January, the aim of this campaign is to do with the importance of self-love, why it is important to invest in yourself and love yourself. With practical steps and tools to do so, in this campaign there will be different people from different walks of life sharing their testimonies, struggles and encouragement to you. More info can be found via our youtube page- I pray you will be blessed by what we share.
So far, we have shared an interview with Coach Kemi on depression and her experience, some stats on depression and other things. Today I want to share with you my experience briefly, with depression and the ways I was able to overcome that dark place.
‘Depression can be defined as a mental condition, characterised by feelings of severe despondency, dejection, guilt, lack of energy, lack of sleep and appetite.’
In simple terms to me, I define depression as a low sense of self in all areas, a person who lacks the ability to do things, loses focus, isn’t always present and struggles day to day to live a normal life, but lives in denial thinking everyone is out to get them. I faced depression in younger years, there are two instances I can remember. I will speak mostly of one today, in relation to a guy I really liked and was given the impression that we were going to marry and spend our lives together. Now for those of you who know my testimony, will know what I faced at the hands of this man who claimed to like/love me and respect me.
I think not. I say this- just listing a few things, he cheated several times and would blame me, verbally abused me and bought me down because of my skin complexion- asking why I wasn’t dark like dark skin women, impregnated an older woman and asked me to support the court case etc, travelled abroad and slept with women there when we argued and blamed me each time, lied consistently, made false promises for marriage, would introduce me to ladies he was intimate with behind my back saying they were friends and much more. Until one day he confessed it all. So eventually after a long time coming, I broke down after he got with a woman via social media and put me to the side ended things and chose her.
But then came back to me to keep me as his side chick, still promising all things. I took it all very badly, it was within me for so long that I lost the willpower to speak up and say how I felt to anyone. I was not eating properly, wasn’t sleeping as much and was awake- everyone could see me, but I was just a body moving day to day, but lost in this severe heartbreak and not knowing who I was. I would somehow laugh out with others, but behind closed doors punish myself mentally, cry, not eat, lost weight and all because I had experienced hurt from a man who knew no better causing a depressive episode due to what was endured.
Let me tell you this, when people say it is the hurt leading the hurt, I fully agree with that because he was lost and in a dark place, and had been cheated on in his past so was basically out to get all women to pay for his pain and I went in knowing he was like this, not all of it but stayed. God warned me severally, he would beg me to stay, but I thought no I can change this guy and so it didn’t matter how much it hurt and upset me, I still stayed and inflicted more and more damage on myself as time went on. You might be saying to yourself why not just leave? I got that a lot in the past, but you see when you are young, naive and led astray with falseness you cling onto that and live in a life that isn’t reality. You choose to only focus on the little good, but as time goes on and when reality does hit you, you find yourself lost, shattered, confused and in my case depressed. Depressed, feeling shame, anger, hurt, numb to the world, not knowing myself and who I needed to become.
When one is depressed you may seem okay and well to others, but it is not a one size shoe fits all, it is experienced in different ways, over different things in life. Because depression doesn’t have a colour, face or age etc it can affect anyone, whether due to others, poor decisions etc. We can agree that it leaves one in a state of darkness, constant mind battles, lose of self and more. It is like you are alive, but within you something has gone out and to get back to who you are, to reclaim that back, you need to ignite what was shut down for however long it was.
Depression is a condition that many live in and feel used to it, they are so used to it that if depression were a name they would call themselves that and sign under it to show they have taken ownership of this title and that is the most heart-breaking thing. Many times when we go through things, at times can define ourselves based on what we are passing through. I couldn’t see good in myself and knew no better, so when someone was nice or offered a hand because of what I knew before and experienced, (no fault of theirs), I would try to punish and push away others just so that no one could get close to talk, or help, or to even stick around.
Ladies and to the men too reading this too, at times we may feel as though we know what is best for us, but really we don’t. I thought I knew what was best for me until I got slammed into a dark pit and one that would take me time to recover- that was to allow God to mould me, rebuild, restructure and bring to live again. The woman who was so lost, low and broken and felt there was no way out at all. I had to give it all to God, I couldn’t anymore. You could come with the best options, even God could come there and then and I would find that I even pushed God away many times. Because all I ever knew was to massage the pain and let it linger, because I was never ever fully ready to address it. So, it was self-battles, excuses, hiding and dragging my feet daily just to say I made it through the day but yet still felt so low.
You see on two occasions I have experienced depressive outbursts, one from when I graduated and was so lost going round and round trying to secure a job of what I thought I needed to do, getting good experience but still wasn’t fulfilled. But yet God had other plans I could not see them then. So, day in day out encountered attacks, racism, disrespect, belittling and more from people in the workplaces.
I was fortunate to get, but then it got so much that I had to really get the courage to seek God and thankfully after sometime, was sent a destiny helper to set me on the right path. What I have learnt about God – my number one lesson is that of Jeremiah 29:11 – No matter how bleak it may look God always has a plan and said all things will work together for good – Rom 8:28 that’s to say the good bad and ugly that comes our way, God has us and will do a great work within us. We just have to trust in the process- the obstacles, tricky people, friends ups and downs, family issues, redundancy, you name it- He’s got you.
I could go on and on about depression and tough trials, but I am going as the holy spirit leads to write this, to encourage someone that though you may have had a tough past and many things didn’t always work out in your favour, God is able to do great, exceedingly, abundant things that we ourselves couldn’t even dream or imagine. How awesome is that to know? That our father who created Heaven and Earth can say that to you to encourage you, to say that His ways for us are always better, yes we can ask for things but He goes far and beyond what we ask for with a perfect end result. We just need to trust Him, give Him those pieces, pray, have faith and study His living word the perfect message – the gospel which doesn’t need any extra things added to it. It is powerful alone, it is living truth, no need to add or dilute but take the word as it is in raw form and let God work on you with what you give Him.
Let us pray….
Father in heaven I love you and thank you for this reader, reading this right now, thank you for our lives, the air that we breathe to show us that you are not done with us yet and the beautiful works around us. Lord any areas in our lives that are stagnant, still harbouring past pain, confusion, anger etc right here right now we lay it all at your feet. We pray that you help us to grow, we give you the pieces, we cry out to you and we say Abba Father don’t pass us by we give you all, we seek you more, we love you and ask that you help us in the times of sadness, confusion, or just when life feels to much. Father you have done it before and we know with faith you can do it again. Have your way Lord and may our testimonies live on to show your power. In your precious name we pray. Halleluyah
God bless you, hope this has blessed you and please do feel free to comment, like or share. I know for most of you, one to one talk helps more and as always here if need be.