First let us pray…
Father I thank you for everything you have done for us, you’ve kept us safe up until now, have forgiven us, your mercy is new every morning, you are mighty, omnipotent, our saviour our comforter and in all you do you always have good thoughts for us and not evil, Father all we can do is give you thanks always and live a life according to your will for us. You spoke to me and instructed me to share my story with everyone, although I was anxious and nervous to do so I believe and pray that even if it is to encourage one person I know I have done a good job in obeying. Halleluyah
There have been many occasions where ladies have spoken to me and been on my personal twitter page as well as the ministry page and come to the realisation that I’m the founder behind the Empowered United Women Ministry. Many actually do not know that I am the woman who God has called for the Empowered United Women Ministry and that is good, because it is not about me, but those who God would have this ministry reach out to, we are called to serve not to be served and do nothing. So firstly for those who don’t know my name is LisaBlessed and this ministry is the vision God blessed me with to birth to help women young old, broken, suffering from painful experiences and need deliverance from the pain to realise their worth who they are in Christ and do what God has called them to do.
*Takes deep breath* The same way I shared my painful experience about what led me into ministry, also plan to share my story of ups and downs to what led me to that painful experience that led me into ministry. This time around it will be different because I am sharing things about myself I haven’t shared with anyone I am close to, any of the women in the ministry or family to a full extent. But God would have it that I share all here once and for all to encourage you all that I have a story, you have a story, we all have a story but that should not define us or hold us back. Because it says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.’ So all that I did in my past and all I passed through is part of the old me, what I look at now is the new Lisa, with the insecurities but the Lisa God polished, made whole and called into ministry despite my mistakes and decisions made lost in the world.
Lord help me, where do I start…
Lets start with the end of secondary school, going to a girls school can have an effect on you many don’t realise, petty arguments, friends betrayal, rumours, Im sure most of you can relate to how crazy being in an all-girls school was. Although there were good times and good friends made along the way, there was also the downfalls. Those downfalls did affect me to some extent and how I viewed friends and the transition period at that age from the secondary school to college. Finished secondary school with good grades but my social life and friendships was under strain.
Going into college was a new chapter, quite daunting but had its good memories as well as bad ones. By this stage I had my fair share of links (linking guys) my phone book was full with numbers and the guys I would link would either come to the college to see me or I would meet them locally with friends, back then when you had a lot of links you had made it lol you were seen as cool and it was just the in thing. Some of the guys I linked weren’t exactly the best of guys they were into dodgy dealings which I later found out about, they were in gangs and so when I was seen with them it was as though I had them in my corner to have my back, I then became easily influenced with this idea of keeping people around to say I have a lot of friends and I am cool. Although hanging with the wrong girls proved to be a bad decision, a few in particular were very easy when it came to guys and so they had a reputation for sleeping around and so because I was hanging around them I too got that reputation, a few heated arguments broke out and groups were split between me and those particular girls. College life was not what I fully expected, people talk and wrong decisions are made and so you get punished for being in the wrong groups because of what those people do.
Things were tough at times, but then with the good times where you know who you are and all is going okay comes the bad times where you are unsure of yourself and unnecessary drama happens. With me back then I was the type of person who was easily influenced, to lie, be in the wrong places, with the wrong crowd be it the girls or guys out of college and all the things people would say to me I would take it in and act on that, so it was as if I didn’t have a mind of my own and went along with what others said, a damaged bruised soul but just a lost girl who wanted to fit in and be cool. I remember one time in particular I planned to link a guy with a friend so we went to their place not far from college only to find that he wasn’t around as he said he would be so we were chilling with his friend who said he wanted to talk to me alone whilst my friend stays close by, I went in a quiet area talking and he became quite aggressive after a bit and forced himself on me I screamed and left with ripped tights and anger. Blocked it out and realised it must have been a set up and the guys knew what they were doing, I fell for it didn’t see it coming and it scared me to an extent where I moved quiet and heartless. It did mess with me but I never spoke out about it.
Knew another guy I had spoken to for some time and he seemed cool and okay, but sometime later realised he was a crook and was planning to settle and needed papers so with me being easily influenced I would have fallen in the trap and so after sometime it sizzled out and I found out more about his bad ways and that he had settled with a white woman outside of London for papers not long after me. When I say I was shocked and disappointed but well life goes on. I was battling so much within, was lost and in a hole but was unsure of my identity to the extent where what others said became my thoughts about myself and I had no idea at the time of this until I stepped out.
Was with a guy for sometime who was well known in the music industry a few people were against it and it was hard because of trust and his ways being in a gang and all sorts of trouble always happening, but still went along with it. He came to me one time and said he was informed by some guys about me of how I move around easily, was disappointed that people would say such things about me to get back at me for reasons I did not know. Then I heard about this guy I was with, moving around doing all sorts with different girls confronted him on it and that escalated badly, he was quite overprotective and jealous to an extent where on one occasion he saw some texts sent to me lashed out at me and took away my phone and for a few days I didn’t know of his whereabouts and he had my phone, to get it back and what I passed through was just too much. Still stayed around it got better but there were heated times which were hard to deal with.
Because I had taken all the things people said about me inside and acted on it I had no mind of my own and couldn’t reason to snap out of it. I remember one time talking to a friend and I was just low and couldn’t be asked with life at the time so much was getting to me I told her that the night before I planned my funeral that girls would wear pink and the guys will wear blue would have doves and I planned it to the T she wasn’t really supportive of that and laughed it off. I wasn’t balanced mentally and was sort of living a double life one to please others and the other to sort of please myself. I didn’t know God one to one to say I had a personal intimate relationship with him I was lost and messed up mentally living of people’s thoughts and compliments, so imagine how cut up I was if a guy said I was ugly…
Being an African woman (half Ghanaian/half Nigerian) it was very tough the comments people would make ‘why are you so fair in complexion, you’re too light to be African’, ‘you are too light to be Ghanaian’ ‘are you adopted?’ ‘Are you sure you are African?’ ‘You are too yellow’…. The comments at times were too much to bear and Lord knows it was upsetting and I just switched. I needed to find acceptance so the links happened more and more I needed to hear more good things about myself and so when guys would complement it would help because they weren’t saying those bad things but seeing past that. I was living of the approval of guys and certain friends who would say nice things to me, things I couldn’t see about myself because all I knew and kept record of was the negativity.
Sadly because of how much I was holding in and couldn’t cope with, I began to self-harm would cut/scrap my hands and arms with anything sharp knife/ scissors even though there should be no reason to do this, my outer being was suffering it wasn’t like I was fat or skinny but my colour was bringing some really harsh comments. So the self-harming was like okay if this is what they say why should I care? I need to ease the pain but at the same time punish myself for not knowing what else to do. You see I didn’t know the definition of being beautiful, I didn’t know it was the inner being that mattered and certainly wasn’t thinking that my looks will fade, and my heart and spirit for God is what made me unique special and beautiful.
But you see God being soo good even though I was so far away from Him He still kept me alive and well, despite all I passed through. And today I am now in ministry sharing my story and encouraging other women. It was a long process and still a work in progress but thank God I am not where I used to be emotionally mentally and spiritually weak.
THANK GOD I DO NOT LOOK LIKE WHAT I PASSED THROUGH. LADIES AND GENTS WE ALL HAVE A STORY AND ONE THAT CAN ENCOURAGE OTHERS AND HELP THEM TO AVOID THE MISTAKES WE MADE..
Went to university and by then I had lost faith to some extent in female friendships, had self-harmed for some time, was low and mentally damaged, was getting to the heartless stage and even though on the outside I was looking okay, scars hidden (now fully healed and gone), was still managing to smile and talk. All that I had been through had made me closed and not one to talk about how I feel, I bottled things in and ignored what was going on within. Up until now that’s one thing that has still kind of stuck to me not always opening up to talk unless I do it in my writing or just pray about it which I hardly did back then. Not knowing that all the times I cried, was betrayed and used by others, was insulted and mocked due to the colour of my skin by fellow black people who should know better, I was never alone like I thought I was. God was always with me, so now I trust in Him like never before. I looked down on myself, spoke down on myself I felt I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve good. If I was to look in the mirror I wouldn’t see me standing there but all the comments others had said about me floating all over the mirror.
But God had a plan and that plan was never to leave me nor forsake me but later use me for His glory in ministry to impact lives and bring change. God I thank you for saving me, loving me and forgiving me.
Sometime before all this met a guy and we became friends for a while then worked on things to see if it would work out, at first it was all okay but then I saw some things and questioned it he would only want to meet at certain times, in certain areas, would lie about his age on different occasions, lied about having children eventually said he had one, was very shady as in had five different licences and lied about his job eventually he said he was in construction.
PART TWO TO FOLLOW….